Discipline and Accountability

I have not posted anything here in a while,not that I have not thought about doing so.  I need to become more disciplined about posting.  Speaking about being disciplined I seem to have let my discipline fly out the window the past two or three weeks.  I had been doing a really good job of creating real disciplined habits in my life in regards to my physical, mental and spiritual well being. On the advice of the trainer I was working with right after starting at the gym; I had been drinking lots of water, starting with drinking 32 oz within the first  5 minutes of being awake. According to him doing so jump starts the metabolism for a period of three hours. I had been eating my first meal of the day within the first half hour of being awake in order to refuel my body after sleeping. I had even started going to the gym within the first three hours of my morning in order to take advantage of the amped up metabolism from that first glass of water.

Mentally and spiritually I was meditating for 30 minutes each morning, reading eleven chapters of the bible a day (5 in the Hebrew Scriptures, 1 psalm, 5 in the Newer Testament) I was also reading from a number of devotional books each morning. I have also been very good about taking all of my medications and doing so on time;as well as tracking my blood pressure.

Then came Thanksgiving, the day before I had gotten brave, stepped on a scale, and discovered that I had lost 12 pounds. I was so proud of myself, I did some bragging , but did not let it go to my head. I knew I had a lot more to lose and that the very next day was going to be a challenge. I was out of town visiting a friend in Wisconsin for the holiday from Wednesday through Saturday and started down the slippery slope. I stopped making sure I eat something every three hours, I was lazy, did not get many steps in each day in fact a couple of the days I was there I got less than 1,000. I was able to justify it all by saying that when visiting friends I am not in control of when and what I eat (more on that later). 

While in Wisconsin I was keeping up on my morning readings, I think I only meditated a couple of days, I kept up on my medications and took my blood pressure daily. I also had discussions with the  friend I was staying with that were potentially helpful on my spiritual path.

Upon returning from my friends I went out with some other friends to a beer bash, I was good I walked there rather than take my friend up on his offer to drive me there and did not drink any beer. I stayed up late so I went to a later service at church where I received some compliments on my weight loss, they said they could see it in my face. That felt good. I was tired so I talked myself out of going to the gym that day.  I went on Monday and Tuesday did not make time to go on Wednesday because I had three doctors appointments followed by a date. I had time after the date but did not go. Thursday morning I had to catch a flight to go visit other friends in Arizona.

I was still doing my readings, logging my meals and blood pressure. just before my trip to Phoenix. I was traveling on Spirit Airlines so I was very limited in what I could bring with me. My blood pressure cuff took up too much room in my bag so I left it at home.

I was in Phoenix from Thursday evening to Tuesday morning.  I did very little walking, or anything else physical. I did not show any discipline in my eating habits, my friends took me out to eat every day, I never ordered anything healthy. Upon returning I started not feeling well, had three doctors appointments on Wednesday, one of them with the doctor from the weight loss program at the VA that I am starting. I had to get on the scale for that appointment and discovered that I had gained eleven of those twelve pounds I had lost back. I got very discouraged, and very angry at myself. I discussed my desire to go vegan with the doctor and he gave me the go ahead to do so.I will be doing that starting on 1/1/18 three weeks from tomorrow.

The doctor for the weight loss program prescribed me something to help with cravings. I still need to pick that and another medication up.

By the time I got home from the last doctors appointment, I had gone from not feeling well to being down right sick. While sick I was lucky if I could motivate myself to eat even one meal a day. I have not been moving a lot nor have I taken my blood pressure. I did a couple of devotional readings missed a couple of church services that I wanted to attend, as well as a few social functions.

I am depressed today and dealing with it by baking cookies that I should not eat, but I have eaten some from the first batch and I know I will eat some from the second.

I write all of this today not to beat myself up as I would have in the past ,but rather to show that I have work to do in the area of discipline. I also write this in order to hold myself accountable for my actions, and lack of action. 

Maybe I need to find someone in my life who will hold me accountable to reestablishing the mental, spiritual and physical discipline I know I need to fully live and love my life.

My weight loss goals

One of the effects that the practice of mindfulness and other DBT skills has had on me is that I now feel like a whole and complete person. As a result of feeling this way I have made some decisions concerning my physical body. One of which is that I need to lose some weight and get into better shape.  As of now this has involved signing up for the MOVE weight loss program at the VA. This was a difficult decision because at first it registered ,to me, as defeat. Asking for help to deal with this problem that I have tried over and over to fix on my own, as difficult as it was, is probably one of the best decisions I have made in a long time. 

When I signed up for the MOVE program I was given a pedometer and just having it my pocket has served as motivation to walk more. I now plan extra time to walk to places I would have taken public transit to, I also get off public transit at least a stop early when I know where I am going. There are places I skip public transit altogether and simply walk to. 

After months of saying I needed to join a gym again, I did so this past Monday and have gone 3 times since joining , and today is Thursday.  The gym is about a half hour walk from my apartment and I walk both ways .  Monday and Tuesday I spent an hour walking on the treadmill while I was at the gym.  Today things changed, I had my first of three sessions with a personal trainer that came free with joining.  Steven, the trainer talked about where I am and where I want to be concerning my fitness goals. We came up with a plan that I feel confident about. 

So here are the facts about my physical fitness.  I am a 53 year old man with a body fat percentage of 36.6.  I am 269 pounds as of the last time I stepped on a scale which was a week ago tomorrow. I deal with arthritic knees and ankles along with an assortment of other aches and pains. I have high blood pressure, I have had at least one minor heart attack, and last winter I damaged my rotator cuff. 

So this is the plan we came up with to take me from large to in charge.

My first goal is to learn how to work out like an athlete , using my muscles in the most effective way, becoming knowledgeable and comfortable with using weights in order to tighten, tone and torch in each workout

My second goal is to be down to  230 pounds (I think that was something like 25% body fat) by my Birthday 8/14 with the reward of spending my birthday weekend in the San Francisco bay area visiting my friend Beth

My third goal is to me down to 220,  ( I think that was 20% body fat) by this time next year 11/15/18 my reward for reaching this goal will be getting a peacock tattoo on my outer thigh.

My longest term goal is to have a 6 pack (9% body fat) by 11/15/2020 My reward for reaching this goal is getting the belly tattoo I have been wanting (still not sure what it will be probably a Buddha or some other religious or spiritual symbol.

My next session with Steven is on Monday and we will be discussing nutrition because I know I need to make some serious changes in this area as well. I am thinking about going vegan, have thought about it off and on for years. I believe this is the moment. 

I know this is all going to be difficult, and that it will likely bring up things I have avoided dealing with for years, but I am worth it.

I am powerful

I am confident

I am not alone 

and 

THIS IS WHO I AM

Here are some pictures taken on November 16, 2017 showing how my body looks at the begining of the weight loss process, me at 269 pounds and 36.6% body fat  

An introduction to my blog

Hello and welcome,
I will be using this blog to keep people informed as I continue the transformation process that I started on August 21, 2017. That was the day I entered into a mental health treatment program at the Minneapolis VA hospital, that turned my life around.

Just a bit of background, I am a 53 year old man who lives with mental illness, one of my diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you are not familiar with what that is I recomend you look it up. I do not want to get into teaching about the diagnostics, that is not tbe purpose of this blog.

The program used a type of treatment I had not tried before called Dialctical Bbeavioral Therapy (DBT). For more information concernig DBT. I recomend reading  the work of Dr. Marsha M. Linehan. I especially recomend what she says about the Biosocial Theory concerning BPD)

The aspect of the program that has made the most profound inpact in my life thus far is that of mindfulness, being present in the moment. As you read on you will hear me speak of mindfulness alot. You will also hear me make reference to other DBT SKILLS. My attemt is to explain what the skill is about when I mention it the first time.

So off we go into the adventure of my redefining myself as well as my life that all started when I entered the Journey Program at the VA.