and the point of it all is?

Hey there, if anyone is even reading any of this. It has been a very long time since I last wrote anything and today I don't have much to say but thought I would check in. Here is a quick update on whats going on in this so called life of mine.

WEIGHT LOSS As you may remember at the beginning of this blog I was just starting my weight loss journey. I started at 269 and I even posted some very ugly pictures showing what that looked like on me. No need to fear, I am not posting any pics today.  As of about three weeks ago I weighed in at 228. That's 41 pounds lighter than when I started. People say I should be proud, but the fact of the matter is I'm not. When I look in my full body mirror I still see a fat guy. I still need to lose at least another 35-40 and then maybe I will have reason to be proud. Maybe then when I go out guys will notice me, and approach me, maybe then I will be able to get a date with a hot guy or even just a good looking guy and I will not have to settle for they types of men I have always had to settle for. Maybe then it will have been worth the time and effort.

WORKING OUT I cannot remember the last time I was at the gym, I started off great going nearly every day first thing in the morning, then the bitter cold weather started to sound like a good excuse, and not wanting to wake up Kevin, the guy who was very good at taking up space in my apartment and my life. Then I got depressed and in spite of the fact that I know working out is a good way to combat depression , I just stayed at home , isolated and watched Netflix. I tell myself every now and then that I am going to go back, but I don't. I know I need to in order to maintain good mental health, not to mention the physical benefits.

SCHOOL  School is going well, I am getting good grades, I am getting along with my classmates and with my professor. I am loving what I am learning .  I found out that my GI Bill has expired, I am not sure how I am going to be able to afford to stay in school. It looks as if Saint Kate's is going to go down as yet another failed attempt at grad school. People will say "at least this time its not your fault"  that's not true I should have known, how could I be so stupid as to not find out how I  was going to pay to go before getting this far. 

VOCATION  I am a postulant in the Community of the Gospel however I am having second thoughts about this being the right order for me, there seems to be something about the leadership structure or lack there of, that I don't trust. 

So here I am once again my life is meaningless, it has no purpose and no direction. I spent the last several months doing one program after another at the VA because I thought they would provide me with the skills to have a life worth living. well I have the skills, i know the skills and outside forces have now seen to it that I will not be allowed to have the life I want. 

ROMANTIC LIFE Although it may be true that I deserve a super hero, the fact remains I am alone, and forever shall be.

Conclusion:

It is seriously time to think about ending it. I gave it my all. I picked myself up over and over again I persisted all to prove my parents, and others right when they said that i should never have been born. the only remaining questions are When? Where? How?

Namaste