I DID IT !!!

Today when I stepped on my scale I discovered that I have reached my goal weight, I am now 200 pounds. I am very proud of myself for accomplishing this goal.

last 10

I am trying to lose the last ten pounds to reach my goal. These last ten are frustrating the living hell out of me , the fluctuation is incredible. One day I only have four more to lose, the next time I step on the scale I have 7 to lose then 9 then 8, then 6, then 9. People tell me that the last ten act like this, what I want to know is how do they know they are the last ten, if I were to change my goal would these come off easy like the rest did? I have some emotional stuff going on, my therapist says my body is holding on to things because my psyche is feeling like it is losing control. I just want these last ten pounds to be gone so I can figure out maintenance. I was doing so well, and now it is all over the place, this is not helping me feel as if I have any control in my life. I feel like I am going to lose the control I do have, that I am going to have some sort of break-down.

I am proud

Weighed in this morning at 204 , less than 5 pounds to my goal. I guess it is time to really start looking at what's next fitness wise. I do not think I want to obsessed with getting all buff and muscular; I think I just want an average build. I am okay with the idea of firming up my stomach but I think that's all that really needs to be done. I started this process saying that I would know that I was done, that I had reached my goal when I was able to look in the mirror and say "yeah, I would do him." I am there I have lost 65 pounds, I have completely changed how I look at myself and my life, I have accomplished a hell of a lot in six months. I am proud of myself. I will lose the remaining 4 to get down to 200, no I will go to 199, and a 70 pound loss. and then I think its going to be about maintenance. I will talk about it with Steven some more the next time I see him.

Another Milestone

Today was an official weigh-in day so at 4:20 this morning I stepped on the scale, not 100% sure what to expect; and to my amazement I weighed in at 209. That means I weigh 3 three pounds less than the only recorded weight I can find from the time I was in the Army (1985-1987 ages 21- 23).  This also means that as of today I am 9 pounds away from my goal, 10 away from where I want to be at least for a day so I can take a picture of the scale saying I am under 200. According to the BMI people I should get down to 189 but that is not happening.  When I was walking from the gym to the bus this morning I was thinking about how my weight loss all seems like a dream, and I expect to wake up any moment now and still weigh 269. Even putting it in writing just now seemed too good to be true, I have lost 60 pounds since December 2017, I just cannot believe it.

Gratitude

Today I just want to state that I am grateful for my weight loss, and for all of the other changes that have taken place in my life over the past 18 months. 18 months ago I asked the wrong man to marry me, and as things go he said yes. Today is the date we had set for our wedding, and it is not happening; Thanks be to God!! When I think of the things that likely would not have happened if I had not had the spiritual cataracts removed from my eyes on May 21 last year; the day I ended the engagement and relationship;my mind boggles.

• I know I would not have joined anytime fitness, where I feel encouraged, and known
• I would not have gone vegan
• I would not have lost 56 pounds
• I would have gained weight
• I would not be happy (even today, the wedding day)
• I would not have the deeper relationship with The Holy One that I have now
• I would not be a Novice in the Community of the Gospel
• I would not be in school
• I would not be at St. Johns
• I would still be on HBP meds
• I would still be on high doses of psych meds
• My jaw would be tighter
• I would be getting married to a man I knew I did not love
• I would not have been able to simplify my life

I am sure there are things I have missed on this list , they might come to me as the day goes on. I do wish him the best in all of his endeavours, and I pray for his recovery . 

I am happy I am not getting marries to him today, or ever.

Radical Acceptance

I learned a rather meaningful lesson yesterday concerning my body and my weight loss journey. It is just that a journey and like any other journey it is not only about the destination.  I was in tears on more than one occasion because I had a set back in my journey. I was telling myself that I let myself and "everyone else" down, when the fact of the matter is I did something human. I was less than perfect. I made some choices that were less than wise over the past couple of weeks, for a variety of reasons, I was on a date and wanted to appear "normal", I felt like treating myself, I did nor bother to read a food label.

When I was busy beating myself up and degrading myself. Going so far as to minimize the great progress I have made on this journey; starting with little knowledge of how to work out , to working out seriously now three days a week and changing over to a healthy vegan lifestyle. I would have been much better off if I had made to choice to use the skill of radical acceptance. This skill is just what it sounds like, you radically accept what is so in your life. in this case it looks like this:

I gained 8 pounds
I am not happy about it
I do not find it acceptable
I definitely do not like it

So I have a choice to make ( life really is all about the choices we make)

1) I can get upset, beat myself up, have a really bad attitude, have a bad day, and give up
2) I can accept what is , I do not need to like it to accept it just acknowledge the reality of having gained 8 pounds, and the fact that nothing is going to change the fact that those 8 pounds have been gained. Repeat the process as needed.
This is in no way giving up , you can move on and lose those 8 pounds, and as many more as you choose but the fact remains that those 8 have been gained.  This is Radical Acceptance.
None of that I accept this but....
or I cant accept this because that means I think its okay stuff just I accept the fact that 8 pounds have been gained.
I tell you folks this stuff works if you let it.  What it does is it takes away excuses, blame, and any need to try to change the reality of the situation around whatever it is that you need to accept and move on , in this case a weight loss setback.

Confession

Well, it has happened, I have experienced a setback in my weight loss. Logically I know that this is a normal part of the process, or at least it can be.  I had lost 55 pounds without experiencing a set back or a plateau, and now I have gained 4 pounds back. I bought a scale, because I only have one class left in the MOVE program on July 13, and that class is making up for the fact that I missed it earlier, so I am not weighing in  with them every other week. My mind wants to fall back on the fact that the scale I bought may just be different than the one I had been using at the VA, or that the fact that I have gone back to the gym is changing things, but my heart knows that I have gained the weight back.

This is a temporary setback, it is disappointing and frustrating but I will rebound and lose the weight again. The truth is I have not been staying true to my commitments to myself concerning my vegan lifestyle, and I have been eating sweets that I have no business eating. When I look at this I realize that I once again am eating my emotions rather than dealing with them. I am also avoiding them by spending.

There are changes going on in my life that in the long run I know are good, healthy, and what I desire, however, the getting there, is scary, sad and at times confusing. Rather than putting my trust fully in God, who I know beyond a doubt will get me to the other side of all of this, I am eating and buying stuff that I can justify as useful but I do not really need.

These patterns are far from new, nor are the consequences; in the past they have quickly devolved into vicious cycles, acting like tornado's sucking in more and more destructive behaviors.

I write this today, in order to make a public declaration that the patterns stop today. Today I commit to new patterns of healthy behavior that will get be back on track to reaching my weight loss goals , and more importantly deal with the emotional and spiritual changes going on in my life in an appropriate manner.  To do so I will:

• Contact a potential Spiritual Director 
• Talk about this with my therapist tomorrow
• Pay attention to portion size
• Turn things over to God

and the point of it all is?

Hey there, if anyone is even reading any of this. It has been a very long time since I last wrote anything and today I don't have much to say but thought I would check in. Here is a quick update on whats going on in this so called life of mine.

WEIGHT LOSS As you may remember at the beginning of this blog I was just starting my weight loss journey. I started at 269 and I even posted some very ugly pictures showing what that looked like on me. No need to fear, I am not posting any pics today.  As of about three weeks ago I weighed in at 228. That's 41 pounds lighter than when I started. People say I should be proud, but the fact of the matter is I'm not. When I look in my full body mirror I still see a fat guy. I still need to lose at least another 35-40 and then maybe I will have reason to be proud. Maybe then when I go out guys will notice me, and approach me, maybe then I will be able to get a date with a hot guy or even just a good looking guy and I will not have to settle for they types of men I have always had to settle for. Maybe then it will have been worth the time and effort.

WORKING OUT I cannot remember the last time I was at the gym, I started off great going nearly every day first thing in the morning, then the bitter cold weather started to sound like a good excuse, and not wanting to wake up Kevin, the guy who was very good at taking up space in my apartment and my life. Then I got depressed and in spite of the fact that I know working out is a good way to combat depression , I just stayed at home , isolated and watched Netflix. I tell myself every now and then that I am going to go back, but I don't. I know I need to in order to maintain good mental health, not to mention the physical benefits.

SCHOOL  School is going well, I am getting good grades, I am getting along with my classmates and with my professor. I am loving what I am learning .  I found out that my GI Bill has expired, I am not sure how I am going to be able to afford to stay in school. It looks as if Saint Kate's is going to go down as yet another failed attempt at grad school. People will say "at least this time its not your fault"  that's not true I should have known, how could I be so stupid as to not find out how I  was going to pay to go before getting this far. 

VOCATION  I am a postulant in the Community of the Gospel however I am having second thoughts about this being the right order for me, there seems to be something about the leadership structure or lack there of, that I don't trust. 

So here I am once again my life is meaningless, it has no purpose and no direction. I spent the last several months doing one program after another at the VA because I thought they would provide me with the skills to have a life worth living. well I have the skills, i know the skills and outside forces have now seen to it that I will not be allowed to have the life I want. 

ROMANTIC LIFE Although it may be true that I deserve a super hero, the fact remains I am alone, and forever shall be.

Conclusion:

It is seriously time to think about ending it. I gave it my all. I picked myself up over and over again I persisted all to prove my parents, and others right when they said that i should never have been born. the only remaining questions are When? Where? How?

Namaste 

Food, Weight, Weather

Food:
I have made a big lifestyle change concerning food, as of 01/01/18 I am a Vegan. I made this choice for three primary reasons and will write a little about them below. The reasons are in order to have a healthier body,  to support my weight loss goals, and to cause myself to become more mindful of what I put into my body

• Healthier Body: As I continue to learn to love and respect who I am, I find that I have a stronger desire to live to an advanced age, I would love to live to see 100. I know that in order to do so I need to take care of the one and only body I have been entrusted with. It is my responsibility to care for this body.  The human body is in a much healthier state when not subjected to meat or animal products. 
• Becoming a vegan supports my weight loss goals by eliminating foods that are not easily digested my the human digestive system. As I continue lifting weights and doing Cardio. This change of lifestyle supports my efforts.
• Becoming more mindful: Now that I am a vegan I need to think about everything I eat, yes as time goes on it will become easier and I will know more about what I can and can not eat, I need to think more creatively about variety, taste, texture and more since I do not have the flavors that are provided by meat and other animal products. This leads to being more mindful about what I eat , long before I even get around to eating it .

Weight:

I have hit a stuck point in my weight loss I am stuck at about 246 lbs. I had started this adventure at 269 so progress has been made. Just not enough to satisfy my expectations. Logically I realize that these stuck points and set backs happen, however, logic is not enough to pull me through right now. I am feeling discouraged and disappointed in myself. I have slacked off on my gym attendance partly due to weather, partly because its hard to motivate to go when Kevin is in my bed sleeping. I am aware that the only way through this is through it , that I simply need to do what it takes to push past this stuck point; go to the gym daily , watch my portions, cut myself some slack, and most of all trust the process.

Weather:

It has been a while since I have had to deal with a typical Minnesota winter, and here I am mid-January and it is already getting to me.  It has been at least 17 years since I had a winter like this, I was away for 15 and the past 2 have been mild. The cold and snow used to not slow me down, or even bother me, but that was then and this is now. Winter seemed like it was not going to show up, at least that was my impression, and then all of a sudden we were hit with bitter cold, and a lot of it. There was a time when I would thrive in the below zero temps. Now my body hurts when it gets cold. I try my hardest to not let on, to not let others know that I can no longer deal with the cold as well as I once could. I feel weak when I give into the weather. I worry when it snows, I do not want to fall and hurt myself, last year I damaged my rotator cuff twice within 16 days because of snow and ice. I feel like I need to pretend that I am not bothered by any of it "I am big strong Norwegian viking I love cold and snow" sounds much better than "I'm getting old I need to take it easy".

A very unexpected holiday season

As stated in the very first entry in this blog my intention is to share about all aspects of my life, because I firmly believe they all work together in making me who I am.  So this entry, as late as it is, will be about my experience of the Christmas and New Year holiday season.

I thought I had grown accustom to spending the Christmas holidays alone, I was used to the fact that my family of origin does not want me around, for reasons I really can't figure out, on Christmas or ever really. This year however it was different, not having someone to spend Christmas with was bothering me, I was depressed, I was angry, I was having a hard time keeping it together. I was actually feeling the feelings involved rather than staying numb to them.  What I really wanted to do was to just get and stay drunk from mid afternoon on December 24th until the morning of December 26th. It turns out I did not even have one drink. My traditional church plans were not even exciting me, and that is very unusual for me.

Then something very unexpected happened; Wednesday December 20 I was at home feeling lonely and decided to take some action to at least try to change that; so I went to a weekly event that I had been telling myself for months that I was going to check out , and had not done so. The event is called bear coffee and it takes place at a coffee shop a couple of blocks from my home. I was nervous but went anyway, a big step for me.

I got to bear coffee, my friend Paul was there so I sat by him, there was an available chair that was easier to access at the other end of the table but I did not take it.  I made eye contact with a man named Kevin, who I had chatted with on-line and by phone a bit a couple of years before that.  Someone, I think it was Paul, suggested a group picture because it was the last meeting before Christmas, every body lined up, Kevin was behind me and ended up with his arms around me in the picture. Something was happening.

When it was time to leave, I walked out the door with Kevin, we chatted a bit, I kissed him, he kissed me back. I invited him over to my place however he had to say no because he had things he had to do in the morning. I gave him my card and asked him to give me a call sometime. We kissed again and parted ways. The next morning, there was a message from him asking for a rain check, I assured him my offer for him to come over was a standing offer.

I need to provide some background information at this point so the rest of the story has the intended impact.

Over the past several years I have been in one painful, dysfunctional, abusive relationship after another. This was because I had the belief that in order to count as being someone I needed to belong to a man, I needed to be in a relationship in order to prove my worth. While in the Journey program over the summer I realized that was not true, that I did not need to be in a relationship, so I had made the choice that I was not going to be in one. I had gone as far as to decide that I was going to live a life of celibacy.

Kevin and I had our first date on Saturday December 23rd. On my way home from the gym that morning I saw a man walking down the street wearing a Santa hat, I stopped him and said "Santa I know I am on the naughty list this year, in fact I am sort of proud to have made the list, but could you please bring me something anyway" he said " Consider it done".  While Kevin and I were having dinner that night we talked about what we had planed for Christmas, neither of us had anything going on so we quickly figured out a dinner using things we each had at home. He came over on Christmas day and as much as it sounds like a Hallmark Christmas Special we have been dating ever since.