last 10

I am trying to lose the last ten pounds to reach my goal. These last ten are frustrating the living hell out of me , the fluctuation is incredible. One day I only have four more to lose, the next time I step on the scale I have 7 to lose then 9 then 8, then 6, then 9. People tell me that the last ten act like this, what I want to know is how do they know they are the last ten, if I were to change my goal would these come off easy like the rest did? I have some emotional stuff going on, my therapist says my body is holding on to things because my psyche is feeling like it is losing control. I just want these last ten pounds to be gone so I can figure out maintenance. I was doing so well, and now it is all over the place, this is not helping me feel as if I have any control in my life. I feel like I am going to lose the control I do have, that I am going to have some sort of break-down.

I am proud

Weighed in this morning at 204 , less than 5 pounds to my goal. I guess it is time to really start looking at what's next fitness wise. I do not think I want to obsessed with getting all buff and muscular; I think I just want an average build. I am okay with the idea of firming up my stomach but I think that's all that really needs to be done. I started this process saying that I would know that I was done, that I had reached my goal when I was able to look in the mirror and say "yeah, I would do him." I am there I have lost 65 pounds, I have completely changed how I look at myself and my life, I have accomplished a hell of a lot in six months. I am proud of myself. I will lose the remaining 4 to get down to 200, no I will go to 199, and a 70 pound loss. and then I think its going to be about maintenance. I will talk about it with Steven some more the next time I see him.

Another Milestone

Today was an official weigh-in day so at 4:20 this morning I stepped on the scale, not 100% sure what to expect; and to my amazement I weighed in at 209. That means I weigh 3 three pounds less than the only recorded weight I can find from the time I was in the Army (1985-1987 ages 21- 23).  This also means that as of today I am 9 pounds away from my goal, 10 away from where I want to be at least for a day so I can take a picture of the scale saying I am under 200. According to the BMI people I should get down to 189 but that is not happening.  When I was walking from the gym to the bus this morning I was thinking about how my weight loss all seems like a dream, and I expect to wake up any moment now and still weigh 269. Even putting it in writing just now seemed too good to be true, I have lost 60 pounds since December 2017, I just cannot believe it.

Gratitude

Today I just want to state that I am grateful for my weight loss, and for all of the other changes that have taken place in my life over the past 18 months. 18 months ago I asked the wrong man to marry me, and as things go he said yes. Today is the date we had set for our wedding, and it is not happening; Thanks be to God!! When I think of the things that likely would not have happened if I had not had the spiritual cataracts removed from my eyes on May 21 last year; the day I ended the engagement and relationship;my mind boggles.

• I know I would not have joined anytime fitness, where I feel encouraged, and known
• I would not have gone vegan
• I would not have lost 56 pounds
• I would have gained weight
• I would not be happy (even today, the wedding day)
• I would not have the deeper relationship with The Holy One that I have now
• I would not be a Novice in the Community of the Gospel
• I would not be in school
• I would not be at St. Johns
• I would still be on HBP meds
• I would still be on high doses of psych meds
• My jaw would be tighter
• I would be getting married to a man I knew I did not love
• I would not have been able to simplify my life

I am sure there are things I have missed on this list , they might come to me as the day goes on. I do wish him the best in all of his endeavours, and I pray for his recovery . 

I am happy I am not getting marries to him today, or ever.

Radical Acceptance

I learned a rather meaningful lesson yesterday concerning my body and my weight loss journey. It is just that a journey and like any other journey it is not only about the destination.  I was in tears on more than one occasion because I had a set back in my journey. I was telling myself that I let myself and "everyone else" down, when the fact of the matter is I did something human. I was less than perfect. I made some choices that were less than wise over the past couple of weeks, for a variety of reasons, I was on a date and wanted to appear "normal", I felt like treating myself, I did nor bother to read a food label.

When I was busy beating myself up and degrading myself. Going so far as to minimize the great progress I have made on this journey; starting with little knowledge of how to work out , to working out seriously now three days a week and changing over to a healthy vegan lifestyle. I would have been much better off if I had made to choice to use the skill of radical acceptance. This skill is just what it sounds like, you radically accept what is so in your life. in this case it looks like this:

I gained 8 pounds
I am not happy about it
I do not find it acceptable
I definitely do not like it

So I have a choice to make ( life really is all about the choices we make)

1) I can get upset, beat myself up, have a really bad attitude, have a bad day, and give up
2) I can accept what is , I do not need to like it to accept it just acknowledge the reality of having gained 8 pounds, and the fact that nothing is going to change the fact that those 8 pounds have been gained. Repeat the process as needed.
This is in no way giving up , you can move on and lose those 8 pounds, and as many more as you choose but the fact remains that those 8 have been gained.  This is Radical Acceptance.
None of that I accept this but....
or I cant accept this because that means I think its okay stuff just I accept the fact that 8 pounds have been gained.
I tell you folks this stuff works if you let it.  What it does is it takes away excuses, blame, and any need to try to change the reality of the situation around whatever it is that you need to accept and move on , in this case a weight loss setback.

Confession

Well, it has happened, I have experienced a setback in my weight loss. Logically I know that this is a normal part of the process, or at least it can be.  I had lost 55 pounds without experiencing a set back or a plateau, and now I have gained 4 pounds back. I bought a scale, because I only have one class left in the MOVE program on July 13, and that class is making up for the fact that I missed it earlier, so I am not weighing in  with them every other week. My mind wants to fall back on the fact that the scale I bought may just be different than the one I had been using at the VA, or that the fact that I have gone back to the gym is changing things, but my heart knows that I have gained the weight back.

This is a temporary setback, it is disappointing and frustrating but I will rebound and lose the weight again. The truth is I have not been staying true to my commitments to myself concerning my vegan lifestyle, and I have been eating sweets that I have no business eating. When I look at this I realize that I once again am eating my emotions rather than dealing with them. I am also avoiding them by spending.

There are changes going on in my life that in the long run I know are good, healthy, and what I desire, however, the getting there, is scary, sad and at times confusing. Rather than putting my trust fully in God, who I know beyond a doubt will get me to the other side of all of this, I am eating and buying stuff that I can justify as useful but I do not really need.

These patterns are far from new, nor are the consequences; in the past they have quickly devolved into vicious cycles, acting like tornado's sucking in more and more destructive behaviors.

I write this today, in order to make a public declaration that the patterns stop today. Today I commit to new patterns of healthy behavior that will get be back on track to reaching my weight loss goals , and more importantly deal with the emotional and spiritual changes going on in my life in an appropriate manner.  To do so I will:

• Contact a potential Spiritual Director 
• Talk about this with my therapist tomorrow
• Pay attention to portion size
• Turn things over to God

and the point of it all is?

Hey there, if anyone is even reading any of this. It has been a very long time since I last wrote anything and today I don't have much to say but thought I would check in. Here is a quick update on whats going on in this so called life of mine.

WEIGHT LOSS As you may remember at the beginning of this blog I was just starting my weight loss journey. I started at 269 and I even posted some very ugly pictures showing what that looked like on me. No need to fear, I am not posting any pics today.  As of about three weeks ago I weighed in at 228. That's 41 pounds lighter than when I started. People say I should be proud, but the fact of the matter is I'm not. When I look in my full body mirror I still see a fat guy. I still need to lose at least another 35-40 and then maybe I will have reason to be proud. Maybe then when I go out guys will notice me, and approach me, maybe then I will be able to get a date with a hot guy or even just a good looking guy and I will not have to settle for they types of men I have always had to settle for. Maybe then it will have been worth the time and effort.

WORKING OUT I cannot remember the last time I was at the gym, I started off great going nearly every day first thing in the morning, then the bitter cold weather started to sound like a good excuse, and not wanting to wake up Kevin, the guy who was very good at taking up space in my apartment and my life. Then I got depressed and in spite of the fact that I know working out is a good way to combat depression , I just stayed at home , isolated and watched Netflix. I tell myself every now and then that I am going to go back, but I don't. I know I need to in order to maintain good mental health, not to mention the physical benefits.

SCHOOL  School is going well, I am getting good grades, I am getting along with my classmates and with my professor. I am loving what I am learning .  I found out that my GI Bill has expired, I am not sure how I am going to be able to afford to stay in school. It looks as if Saint Kate's is going to go down as yet another failed attempt at grad school. People will say "at least this time its not your fault"  that's not true I should have known, how could I be so stupid as to not find out how I  was going to pay to go before getting this far. 

VOCATION  I am a postulant in the Community of the Gospel however I am having second thoughts about this being the right order for me, there seems to be something about the leadership structure or lack there of, that I don't trust. 

So here I am once again my life is meaningless, it has no purpose and no direction. I spent the last several months doing one program after another at the VA because I thought they would provide me with the skills to have a life worth living. well I have the skills, i know the skills and outside forces have now seen to it that I will not be allowed to have the life I want. 

ROMANTIC LIFE Although it may be true that I deserve a super hero, the fact remains I am alone, and forever shall be.

Conclusion:

It is seriously time to think about ending it. I gave it my all. I picked myself up over and over again I persisted all to prove my parents, and others right when they said that i should never have been born. the only remaining questions are When? Where? How?

Namaste